Lord Of The Rings Rewritten
by Heroes
Summary: Best Parody you will read in your life.


**Lord Of The Rings**

**The Fellowship Of The Olive**

Frodo was out and about on his daily walk when a fly rammed him right up the anus. "Harder mate, barely felt it." Anyways, he was on his way to see Bilbo give a speech commemorating his birthday. That's when Sam came and punched him in the cock. "Ha! Left yourself open again!" Man was Sam starting to piss Frodo off… so Frodo took a crowbar and smashed Sam on the head with it. "OW!" Sam scratched his head while a fountain of blood came out of his ear. "I'm surprised you didn't sack me with it." Frodo looked back at Sam, "Shutup Sam, you have a tiny penis."

"I do not." Sam rejected. Frodo shook his head and walked off. There were many hobbits at the Celebration of Bilbo's birthday. There were a few Frodo recognized. "Spare some change?" A filthy smelling hobbit asked. "Ask Sam." Frodo continued moving on. "Spare some change?" The hobbit asked Sam, "Do you think I have a tiny penis?" Sam asked. "Well, let's feel shall we." The hobbit insisted, "Whoa whoa whoa, I don't do gay." The hobbit backed off, "Wait a minute, aren't you my daughter?"

Minutes later, everyone was seated and Bilbo was giving his speech. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Assholes and Jerks I am here to proudly tell you that I am leaving. So long." And Bilbo just disappeared into thin air. "I knew it, he was a witch!" Sam yelled. "Shutup Sam." Frodo snapped back. Frodo rushed over to the home in search of Bilbo. "Wait a minute, something's not right in the script. Shouldn't Gandalf have appeared by now?" Sam yelled. "For the last time, shut up Sam!" Frodo snapped back once again.

Frodo laid his coat on the couch and walked into the bathroom where Gandalf scared the living shit out of him. "Boo!" He yelled as he cast minor shock into Frodo's pants. "Jesus! Why does everyone attack my sack?" Frodo yelled. "Owned!" Sam said through the window. Then Bilbo appeared behind Frodo, "Boo!" He yelled. "Holy shit!" Frodo screamed. Sam had a heart attack in the bushes. "That's it Sam, you must go with Frodo." Gandalf commanded.

"Go where?" Sam asked. "You'll find out in a moment." Gandalf replied. Bilbo gave Gandalf the ring in an envelope. "Here you are old white boy." Bilbo said as he ran outside like a mad man. "See you in Rivendell!" Gandalf yelled. "We're going to Rivendell?" Frodo and Sam asked at the same time. "Why, yes haven't you boys read the script?" Gandalf asked. "What script?" They both asked back. "Well I don't have it with me…" Gandalf answered. "That's not the point, you two must take the ring to Mordor and destroy it in the volcanic reaches of mount doom." Gandalf said. "You lost me at Mordor." Sam said while scratching his head.

"It's a big scary place with lots of deadly monsters that'll suck the semen right out of you." Gandalf explained. Frodo and Sam jumped back in fear. "All of your semen?" Sam whimpered. Gandalf just nodded his head. "Noooooooooooooooooooo!" Sam yelled. "Shutup Sam, you have a tiny penis." Frodo snapped back. "At least I use it." Sam said back. "Ohhhhh burned bitch!" Gandalf said while spitting into Frodo's face. "I'll have you know, my penis is huge." Frodo said. "Show me." Gandalf said back. "You're a fag." Frodo said back.

"What? You didn't know? The wizard is always a fag." Gandalf pointed out. Frodo broke down and started doing the robot on the floor. Sam ran into the corner and started jacking off. "God, you guys are retarded. I guess this is what happens when you don't read the script." Gandalf said to the camera man. "Hey Bill, I thought they couldn't see us." The camera man said to his director. "They shouldn't be able to." Bill answered back. "What the hell is Gandalf looking at then? He's staring right at me." The camera man asked. "Just slap him on the face." The camera man slaps Gandalf on the face and the scene is skipped.

Frodo, Sam and Gandalf are riding a horse in the forest. Gandalf is sucking on his wizard pipe and making irrational comments about Sam's mother. "What the hell just happened? How did we get here?" Sam asked. "Oh shit, I left the ring at Bilbo's house!" Frodo said. "The ring to your momma'" Gandalf snapped back and started laughing. "Stupid high bastard." Sam said. Frodo turned the horse around to go back and get the ring.

While they went to go get the Ring, Mary and Pippin were sneaking around like little bastards and trying to steal some crops. "Hey Mary, I've got an idea, maybe if we stuffed some cabbages into our pants we'd look like guys with big balls." Said Pippin. "You know what Pippin, you can do that, I'll just be human for a little while." Replied Mary. "Really?" Asked Pippin as he started picking out large cabbages. "Good lord…" Mary said while covering his eyes and wiping his face.

"Hey you good for nothing looters! Leave my crops alone!" Yelled an angry and what appeared to be, horny farmer. "Shit, he's found us!" Yelled Mary. "God these cabbages are crushing my balls!" Pippin complained. "Take them out, you'll never out run him with them in your pants." Mary suggested. "Forget it, when he sees the size of my balls he'll be embarrassed and walk away." Pippin said proudly. "Alright but not everyone's balls smell like cabbages."

Mary ran off while Pippin stood still yelling, "Over here mate!" The farmer eventually found Pippin and gazed in awe at his large balls. "I didn't think so bitch!" Pippin spat out. The farmers hound dogs started eating the cabbages in Pippin's pants. "Hey! Those are my balls!" Pippin yelled. The dogs pulled them out of his pants and started gnawing on them. "You son of a bitch!" The farmer yelled while raising his torch and pitchfork. "Time to run?" Pippin asked the camera man.

"I could swear he was asking me." The camera man said. "Just slap him." Bill said. "No, nothing good ever comes out of it." The camera man said back. "Well tell him to run then, he's about to be beaten to death." Bill instructed. "Run." The camera man said to Pippin. "Ok, thanks." Pippin said back. "Are you sure they can't see us?" The camera man asked Bill. "For the last time, yes I'm sure." Bill snapped back.

As Frodo, Sam and Gandalf returned back into the forest, Gandalf kicked them off the horse. "Alright I'll see you guys at the tavern." Sam got up and wiped the dirt off his shoulder. "Yo wassup home dog where you goin'?" Sam said. "Gotta' visit one of my hoes." Gandalf said back. Frodo just stared at them, more confused than possible. "Aight, we find a ride." Sam said and waved as Gandalf rode away. "Wait, which way do we go?" Frodo asked, but it was too late.

"Well I guess we just keep going straight, we've been doing that for about 3 hours now." Sam suggested. "Shutup small dick." Frodo snapped back. "Now I think we should turn left, I mean after all I can see the sign right here that says Mordor, and points left." Frodo continued. After about a few steps, Mary emerged from the bushes and ran into Sam. Followed by Pippin running into fallen Sam and Mary. There was a loud cracking sound heard.

"I think I've broken something." Sam cried as he lifted a broken taco. "Nooo! That was my lunch!" Mary said. "Holy shit Pippin, you've got bigger balls than before!" Frodo exclaimed. "Wait a minute, didn't you say the farmer took them from you?" Mary asked. "I know, but I just stole 2 more." Pippin answered. "Took what?" Sam asked. "Cocaine." Pippin answered.

"None of that makes any sense." Frodo stated. "Alright so we have to go to the tavern." Sam said. "Yes, a chance to show off my balls." Pippin jumped with excitement. "I swear to god, if you don't shut up with the balls, I'll break them." Mary yelled. "Just like I broke Frodo's balls." Sam said. "You did not." Frodo objected. "Yeah I did, I hit them with a hammer while you were sleeping. Then you started talking in your sleep saying 'No Pippin, I swear I didn't touch your penis.' And I ran away." Sam explained.

Frodo gasped while turning around and looking down his pants. "Wait a minute, my balls are right here." Frodo said pointing into his undergarments. "Yeah I broke them but they're still attached to your body." Sam said. "I think I'm going to throw up." Mary said. "I need to find a big carrot." Pippin whispered. "Oh lord no." Mary objected. "Then I'll become super genital man. Yeah. Then people will know me…" Pippin continued rambling.

"Umm sir, we're falling behind schedule here. They're supposed to be at the meadow already but they're having a disgusting conversation." The camera man said. "Well, then you know what to do." Bill said back. The camera man slapped Frodo on the face and the scene was skipped. They were now running from a wraith of Nazgul. "Holy shit! What the hell is happening now?" Frodo yelled.

"My balls are under heavy attack!" Pippin yelled back. "Run!" Sam yelled while sprinting off ahead. "He only runs so fast because he has a small penis." Frodo explained. "Ahh, I see. Now, tell me why you told me that." Mary asked. As they were running, the wraith slashed towards Pippin and it cut his pants off. The cabbages fell to the ground and rolled under the wraith's horse's hooves and were crushed. "Nooooo! Phillip! John!" Pippin yelled.

"Who?" Frodo asked. "Come on you fat asses!" Sam yelled from 3 miles ahead at the dock where a boat was waiting. They all sped up as the wraith accidentally ran into a tree. To the left of them parked between 3 trees was a green Volkswagen. "Sack buggy green, no sack-backs!" Mary yelled as he punched Frodo in the balls. "Sack-shield!" Pippin yelled as he ran in his underwear to the boat. They were all in the boat except for Frodo who was holding his balls on the ground 6 steps away.

"Frodo just get on the boat, you can hold your balls after!" Sam yelled. "Shutup mini-cock!" Frodo said back in anger. "God! What is it with you people and my balls?" Frodo yelled. He slowly got up as the wraith could be seen riding fast behind him. He took slow steps and reached the boat safely. "Asshole." Frodo said right into Mary's face. "Oh! That reminds me." Mary said as he punched Sam in the gonads. "You never said sack-shield." Mary explained.

By midnight, they were all sleeping except for one, Sam who was rowing them to shore. They were taking hourly shifts. As he slowly rowed, he spotted a sinking red Volkswagen. "Sack buggy red, no sack-backs!" Sam yelled. All of them woke up and received a punch in the balls. "That's it Sam, I'm cutting your penis off." Frodo said with anger. "Ahh! I'm sorry." Sam yelled in regret. "I have an urge to sink him." Mary said. "Whoa! There are oranges floating in this river!" Pippin said as he picked two up off the water and tucked them into his underwear. "I swear to god Pippin..." Mary started.

"Jealous." Pippin stated. "I changed my mind, let's sink Pippin." Mary suggested. "You know what, I'm going to sleep. Oh and permanent sack-shield for me." Frodo said as he lay back and fell asleep. "I haven't had any good sex in a while, getting kind of desperate…" Pippin said while looking at Sam. "Shut up Pippin, you've never had sex unless you count that one time you paid a squirrel to jack you off!" Mary objected. "Hey! You promised never to tell anyone!" Pippin said.

Meanwhile, Gandalf was riding to Saruman's tower. Meeting him at the foot of the tower was Saruman himself. "Greetings my old friend." Gandalf said. "Cut the crap." Saruman said. "What do you mean?" Gandalf asked. "I mean, cut the crap, there's a knife right there." Saruman answered. "Let's have wizard sex." Gandalf suggested. "Let's not." Saruman rejected Gandalf.

"You're first to get the script and you're always ruining it." Saruman said as he walked into the tower. Gandalf followed him in, "Doesn't hurt to screw around every now and then." Saruman just shook his head. He unveiled a glass ball, "Wait, don't tell me… that's Pippin's testicle right?" Gandalf asked. "What!" Saruman asked back. "Let's touch it." Gandalf suggested. "No. You can't come into my home, ask me to have sex, talk about a hobbit's balls and expect to be treated like royalty." Saruman protested. "Come again?" Gandalf asked.

"That's it, I'm kicking your ass." Saruman stated. Gandalf reached for his staff and in pulling it towards himself, he accidentally led it right into his balls. Saruman threw his staff away and broke it, and then he pushed Gandalf into the next room and closed all the doors. "Unfortunately I have no elevator." Saruman said. "What the hell is an elevator?" Gandalf asked while holding his balls in pain. Saruman lifted Gandalf and kicked him really hard in the ass, which sent him spiraling up the tower all the way to the top.

"So long." Gandalf said. "What an idiot… wizard sex? I gotta' check that out." Saruman hinted. So he went up into his little private room and opened his dictionary. "Nothing in here about wizard sex…" So Saruman opened the dirty dictionary. "Wizard Sex, Definition: The process of sexually fueling hormones between two male wizards in which a fetus may be developed. A fetus of knowledge and wizard sex is also good to exchange diseases." Saruman ripped the definition out and threw it out the window.

"Am I the only normal one in this world?" Saruman shouted. Being the only normal one, it eventually led him to become mad…. Madly in love with orcs and trolls. So he hired a bunch of them to build a secret underground breeding facility. Also a weapons and death factory. The orcs began by cutting all the trees down and burning them up and the trolls made love to the river nearby.

Meanwhile at the top of the tower, Gandalf was crawling up into a corner, holding himself for warmth. "This is all your fault, jackass." Gandalf said to the camera man. "I could swear to god he said that to me." The camera man complained. "Just slap him." Bill suggested. "No, we're ruining the movie like that." The camera man said back. "Who cares, just keep filming." Bill stated. "Alright but if this happens again, I quit." The camera man exclaimed.

Meanwhile, Frodo and gang made it to the other side where it was dark and rainy outside. "Holy balls!" The gatekeeper said towards Pippin. "Why thank you." Pippin cheerfully answered back. "May we come in?" Frodo asked. "I need to use the bathroom ever so badly." Sam yelled. "Shutup Sam you have a tiny penis, how long does it take you to urinate with that thing?" Frodo asked. "I'll have you know I can waterfall with it." Sam answered. Mary threw up.

The gatekeeper opened the gate for them as they ran inside except for Pippin who was walking slow and proud. "Hey you, hobbit, I'll buy them oranges off ye." A human said to Pippin. "What oranges?" Pippin asked. "The ones in ye underwear." The man answered back. "Not for sale mate." Pippin proudly said as he tried to catch up with the gang. "Now to find the tavern…" Frodo said. Mary pointed dead ahead of them, "right there mates."

They walked into the bar slowly and looked around for Gandalf. "I'm sorry Mr. Hobbit, haven't seen him in months." The keeper said. There was a dark hooded man sitting in the corner next to a fireplace. The gang sat down at a table and ordered a round of beers. "Look at that guy in the corner," Frodo said, "he jacks off just like you Sam." Frodo finished as they all looked at the guy in the corner jacking off.

Mary stood up and walked away. "See if you can find me a carrot!" Pippin yelled. The loud noise of all the people in the bar made it hard to hear what Pippin said. "Alright, so Gandalf isn't here but they do have a room for us to stay in and wait. I'm sure he'll be here soon." Sam said. "That faggot won't show up, he's an asshead. He's probably having wizard sex right now." Frodo stated.

"Alright so we have to think up code names, can't be using our real names." Pippin insisted. "I'll be Jesus." Sam said proudly. "Shutup Sam, Jesus has a huge penis." Frodo insisted. "Why can't I be Jesus?" Sam questioned. "Whatever, you're Jesus." Pippin exclaimed. "I'll be Steven Spielberg." Frodo stated. "I'll be Genital Man." Pippin said. "I'll go ask Mary about his code name." Frodo said as he walked off to find Mary.

"Sure I know a Baggins, Frodo Baggins, he's right over there." Mary said pointing at Frodo. "Noooo!" Frodo yelled as he tripped on someone's foot. As he landed, the ring went flying into the air. He tried to catch it with his hand. The man in the corner stood up and put on a pair of binoculars. "What's that ring then?" Pippin asked. "He's got to destroy it in Mordor." Sam answered. "Mordor?" Pippin questioned. "Well you see, it's a big scary place with lots of deadly monsters that'll suck the semen right out of you." Sam explained. "All of your semen?" Pippin asked. Sam nodded his head.

The ring fell and as Frodo tried to catch it, he accidentally slipped his index finger on the ring and vanished. "What the hell?" Frodo said as he stared into the fiery depths of the eye. "Ahh!" Frodo yelled as he took the ring off and hid it in his pocket. He was back to the real world. Pippin ran up to Mary and proclaimed, "Wait a minute, you stole my line! I was supposed to blab out the Baggins name." Mary answered back "Nah it's me."

The man in the corner tucked his penis back into his pants, grabbed Sam and Frodo and brought them upstairs. "For one so small, you draw a large amount of attention to yourself." The man said to Frodo. "Step away you!" Sam yelled. "Easy friend, I mean you no harm. My name is Aragorn." The man said. "I know that ring you hold, I've seen it before with my own 3 eyes." Aragorn stated. "Three?" Sam asked. "Yes, three." Aragorn confirmed.

Meanwhile Mary and Pippin were downstairs drinking colored beer and dancing to some of the most retarded songs in all of middle-earth. "How much for your pants?" Pippin asked a man. "I'll take those oranges for it." He said. "Sure thing." So the deal was made and Pippin finally had pants again. "I was getting sick and tired of watching your underwear." Mary said. "That's not what I heard." Pippin said while raising his eyebrows. "You're a fag." Mary stated.

"Wait a minute, where'd Sam go?" Pippin asked. "Oh shit, we have to help him rescue Frodo!" Mary answered. So they ran upstairs in search of Frodo and found him in the closest room. "I'm going to kick your ass." Pippin said to Aragorn. "With what? Oranges?" Aragorn asked. "Are you frightened?" Aragorn asked Frodo. "Yes." Frodo answered. "Not nearly frightened enough." Aragorn said.

"Bill, what the hell is going on here? Aragorn's done nothing but copy the original storyline's script since he came into the picture." The camera man complained. "No! Peter Jackson's going to sue us!" Bill yelled. "What should we do?" The camera man asked. "Pinch his nose." Bill suggested. The camera man reached out and pinched Aragorn's nose.

Aragorn began swatting at the air in front of him. "What the hell's the matter with him?" Mary asked. "Not enough sex." Pippin answered. "Maybe he has a small penis?" Sam insisted. "Oh shut up Sam, you're the smallest it gets." Frodo snapped back. "Ahh! It's eating my brain!" Aragorn yelled. Then he stopped still. "Haha, penis." He said. "Is it me or did he just completely lose it?" Mary asked. "Lose what?" Pippin asked.

"We should get some sleep, and wait for Gandalf to arrive." Frodo suggested. Then Aragorn went back to normal, "No! We must move out as soon as possible, I'll give you a few hours to sleep but as soon as the wraiths show up, we're leaving. We must set up a trap in the tavern across the way." Aragorn stated. "He's got a split personality!" Pippin yelled. "Oh lord…" Mary said. "That's rather odd, he seemed normal a few minutes ago." Sam stated.


End file.
